Loyal, Absolutely Loyal
by painted.inkblot
Summary: Yes, I'm loyal, absolutely loyal. Except for that one little thing...but I'm still loyal, aren't I? Just being more open minded...Complete.
1. Loyal, Absolutely Loyal

**A/N: This is rather spur of the moment – I'd been thinking about Tigerstar for a while, and shades of gray, and suddenly I had the idea for this. This may be a oneshot, though I think the ending will be rather open-ended, so I might make it a chaptered fic. Might. After what happened with Full Moon, I doubt it, though.**

**Disclaimer: I'm not forty or over. So unless the Erins are really teenage girls in disguise, I doubt I'm one of them.**

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**Loyal, Absolutely Loyal**

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I am, really. Loyal, I mean. Sure, I don't really believe in the StarClan – but neither does Cloudtail, and look at _him._ It's not like everybody hates him.

I guess I'm not starting at the beginning, am I? So I'll do that.

Well, I – I mean, he–

Okay, this isn't working out, is it? I think I'll just say it, and then get on with it chronologically.

I don't see why Tigerstar was extremely evil.

Well – well I _do_ see, but I mean part of what he was _doing_. Sure, I understand the trying to kill Bluestar part to gain power, and the murdering Redtail part to become deputy, that stuff. But – later, I mean.

Hmm. I think _now_ I can start at the beginning. Well, here goes…

------

I was watching a few of the kits "fighting battles" in the nursery. Their mother, Brook, was watching over them, ready to interfere in case they went too far in their battle.

"Take that, Tigerstar!" one squeaked, launching herself in a tackle on her brother.

"I'll get you for that, Bluestar!" the other hissed, running to "Bluestar" and bowling her over.

"Bluestar"'s eyes flashed. "You'll be sorry for that!" she mewed, and let out a squeaky yowl.

Featherkit was Bluestar; Boulderkit played Tigerstar. It was the typical game kits played: one was Tigerstar or Scourge and the other one was Firestar or Bluestar, and they'd battle, with their loyal, imaginary cats battling too. Of course eventually Tigerstar would be defeated at the end, though the kit playing Tigerstar wouldn't care, because the real Tigerstar had been evil, and an evil cat could _never_ beat the good one in their imaginary battles.

"Surrender, evil Tigerstar!" Featherkit spat, bashing Boulderkit's head with her paw.

As Featherkit said the words "evil Tigerstar", I felt a pang in my stomach. I had no idea why, but something about those words together made me feel uncomfortable.

A few minutes later, while the kits were playing with a ball of moss, Brook walked over to them and purred, "I think it's time you had a nap, kits."

Instantly the typical whining broke out. "I don't _wanna_ take a nap!" Boulderkit groaned.

"Yeah!" Feathertail added, an indignant expression on her face. The look made me chuckle a bit; I remembered that same expression appearing on my face and Foxpaw's too back when we were kits.

Boulderkit and Featherkit mewled and sulked and tried to escape from Brook's grip as she picked them both up by their scruffs.

"I can tell you're exhausted," Brook said, as Boulderkit attempted (and failed) to stifle a yawn. "Besides, if you don't take your nap, Tigerstar will come to get you."

The sentence had the expected effect on the kits. They both gasped and their sulks hushed as their already big eyes widened. Once again, I felt that odd pang in my stomach.

"I don't want Tigerstar to take me away," Featherkit whimpered as she crawled over to the nest.

"Of course not, he was a very evil cat," Brook replied, giving her daughter a swift lick.

Boulderkit shuddered. "He was the most evil cat who ever lived!"

Yet again I felt that pang, and stiffened.

Brook glanced at me. "Are you okay, Icepaw?" she asked concernedly.

"Y – yeah," I muttered.

As I left the nursery, a memory flashed in my head, where almost the same event that had happened with Brook and her kits had happened with my mother, Ferncloud, and Foxpaw and I when we were kits.

And for the fourth time, a pang came in my stomach, but this one was strong and painful I almost fell over, my stomach feeling cramped.

"It was probably just a bad piece of prey I had," I muttered, stalking over to the apprentice den. "Just bad prey, and _only_ bad prey."

But my brain's pretty smart, and knows when it's being lied to. Like at that moment.

------

My eyes blinked open, and the peaceful, quiet darkness surrendered itself to light and noise. I stretched my jaws in a yawn, and groggily got up, yawning once more. I was the only one in the apprentice den.

Too lazy to go and look for Foxpaw, I stayed in the apprentice den and yowled, "Foxpaw! Where are you?"

Thornclaw happened to be passing; he scowled and reprimanded me. "You know you shouldn't yowl so loud so that the whole camp can hear you, Icepaw."

"Sorry," I murmured. "But why wasn't I woken?"

"Foxpaw left on the dawn patrol," the golden brown tom replied. "So did Cinderheart."

"Cinderheart? What am I supposed to do if my mentor's on the dawn patrol, then?"

"Attend to the elders, of course," he snapped, always being a rather impatient cat. "Cinderheart told me to tell you that."

"If you were supposed to tell me, why didn't _you_ wake me up? Cinderheart would be disappointed that you told me later than you were supposed.

Thornclaw scowled and hissed, "Just go to the Elders Den!"

Shrugging, I nodded and went as ordered to the Elders Den, though not without annoyance; every apprentice hated attending to the elders and pulling out their ticks and all that, and I was no exception.

"So," I said, stifling a sigh, "what do you want me to do?"

Mousefur, who had appeared to be dozing in the sun, became alert and got up. Prodding the moss, she replied, "We need new moss – this lot is getting thin and soggy, very soggy."

Longtail blinked open one eye and murmured, "Oh, don't exaggerate Mousefur; it's not _that_ soggy."

"But it still needs to be replaced!" Mousefur said sharply. Though I rather halfheartedly hoped I'd been forgotten, Mousefur turned back to me and I received my second snap of the day. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Grimacing, I padded out of the Elders Den and out of the camp, foraging for moss in the forest.

I got back pretty soon with bunches of moss. With moss sticking out of my mouth, I padded over to the Elders Den and spat it out. "Here's your moss," I muttered.

"Well, at least you got it done quick," Mousefur said, leaning down to sniff it. "I think it smells a bit soggy, though," she added, nose wrinkling.

Longtail, who had been sitting behind her, sniffed it, too. As he lifted his head up, his whiskers twitched. "It is not, Mousefur - it's nice and dry. You're always displeased with everything."

I let out an annoyed breath; small arguments like these usually happened between the two elders.

"Don't worry, Mousefur's always disgruntled with everything," Longtail whispered in my ear; he said the same thing to every apprentice whenever Mousefur got annoyed.

I nodded. "Anyway," Longtail said, "I think you should get some mouse bile from the medicine cat den for ticks – Mousefur's been complaining of a few for a few sunrises."

I nodded, sighed, and trudged to the medicine cat den. Only Jayfeather appeared to be in there – Leafpool must have been gathering herbs.

Before I could say a word, Jayfeather said, "Let me guess. Mouse bile." Not feeling like saying something in response to his rudeness, I mumbled, "Yeah," and soon the disgusting stuff was on my paws.

Unlike my trudge over to the medicine cat den, I rushed back to the Elders Den; I didn't want any mouse bile remains anywhere in the camp. I saw too much of it already.

"So," I said dully, "Who wants to go first?"

"There've been some dreadful ones annoying me for the past few sunrises," Mousefur responded.

"Yeah, you should do Mousefur first," Longtail agreed, a bit eagerly. I suppressed a snort of amusement as I saw Longtail was just as eager to stay away from the mouse bile as I was.

As usual, Mousefur had been exaggerating; I only pulled out two ticks from her fur – it turned out to really be Longtail who was suffering, and he confessed, like I suspected, he hated mouse bile just as much as the apprentices.

"Wouldn't you like for me to tell a story or two while you're slaving away?" Longtail asked, wincing a bit as my teeth closed in on one big tick.

"Sure," I replied.

"Which one?"

Though I had heard about him billions of times, the words "Tell me about Tigerstar," flew out of my mouth, and I was reminded of those pangs I had had yesterday. _Just some bad prey_, I thought firmly, with a sharp intake of breath.

"Tigerstar?" Longtail said, looking at me quizzically with his blind gaze. "Surely you've heard enough about him to make you sick."

"Well, yes…" I hesitated. "Just tell me – just tell me about what he wanted to do, and the means he used to attempt to do so." The words seemed to be coming out of my mouth without my own accord, but I kept on remembering those pangs in my stomach – _Just a bad piece of prey!_– and somehow, I knew I had to ask.

The blind elder frowned slightly, but agreed. "Tigerstar wanted to take over the forest –" he began.

"No, not like _that_," I interrupted exasperatedly. "I'm not a kit, give me the real version – not this simple 'he wanted to take over the forest' foxdung."

I saw something flicker in Longtail's unseeing eyes, something like hesitation. I understood what it meant. "It's not like I want to take over the forest and learn Tigerstar's methods!" I snapped. "I just want the version that really happened. Is that too much to ask?"

Longtail's nose wrinkled a little bit, but he consented. "In many ways," Longtail began, a little hesitantly. "Tigerstar was a great cat. He was brave and strong and a great fighter and a great hunter. He had the gift of good leadership and he was confident. He was ambitious, could see a great future for ThunderClan and the other Clans as well. This was what made me take his side in many things before he was exiled – when he was exiled, all his evil crimes clouded my mind, though in a good way, I guess.

"But like any other cats, he had his faults, and one in particular. And that one was a rather good trait, too – his ambition. Tigerstar just had so much of it, and in his confidence and knowing of his good characteristics, he thought he just _had_ to be leader, no matter what. Any cat could believe in him – he was charismatic, too.

"And of course, there was his goal, the one main thing he wanted to accomplish – to unite all the Clans and for him to rule them all. It honestly sounds like a good idea when you first hear it – one huge, powerful, strong Clan, only needing to fight off enemies like badgers and foxes, and not fellow Clan cats. There would always be peace, and there wouldn't be hunger very often."

I blinked. That was something I'd certainly never heard before – all we were ever told as kits was that he wanted to take over the forest, not this uniting the Clans thing. It – it _did_ sound like a good idea…

"But there were a few problems in it," Longtail said, in suddenly a very sharp voice. Did all blind cats seem to have a sixth sense or something of the sort?

"One, that would be just so many cats. It would be extremely hard for just one leader and one deputy to manage it. Two, power over so many cats lead to being intoxicated with power. If Tigerstar hadn't already been intoxicated with power and succeeded, he surely would have been, and become a sort of dictator, wanting to keep the power. And thirdly, StarClan's will."

I groaned inwardly – I didn't want to take the chance of doing it aloud and having Longtail hear me. _StarClan._ Why couldn't the Clans understand that they could do whatever they want? How could dead cats hurt them?

"You see," Longtail explained, "StarClan made us four Clans for a reason. With four Clans, we had rivalry. Rivalry made us strong, brave, and loyal to our Clans. It made us all stronger, emotionally and physically."

I rolled my eyes, glad that Longtail couldn't see. We could be strong and brave and loyal in one big Clan! The first problem could be dealt with – a very good and efficient leader. He did have a bit of a point with the second problem, though – but that could also be solved with an excellent leader, and a loyal deputy and medicine cat to keep him in check.

"Really," Longtail said, "That's about it."

I nodded, saying nothing. And then that thought appeared in the middle of my blank mind, and I knew why I'd been having those pangs in my stomach whenever Tigerstar was mentioned negatively.

Tigerstar probably – no, _wasn't_ – half as evil as every cat said he was. He just had flaws like any other cat.

And as soon as that thought was realized, another one came in my mind – because I don't think Tigerstar is incredibly wicked, am I being disloyal to ThunderClan, to Firestar, who was Tigerstar's enemy?

No. I was loyal, absolutely loyal. As loyal as any other ThunderClanner, just with a clearer understanding of Tigerstar than most. Right?

Right…

Or at least, until I had the dreams.

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**A/N: As I said at the beginning, it's open ended because there's the possibility it might someday be turned into a chapter fic, which I do have ideas for. Stupid plot bunnies…**

**Constructive criticism appreciated.**


	2. With the 'Great' Tigerstar

**A/N: After long thought, I have decided to continue this. However, it'll be a short fic, around five chapters or so. **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Warriors in any way, the third series would be a **_**lot**_** different…**

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**Chapter 2**

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So, the dreams. The minute I started having the dreams, I almost decided to let go of my beliefs in Tigerstar and let my ignorant "Tigerstar is the most evil cat that ever lived!" feelings akin to the rest of the Clan's prevail. Really, those dreams were _creepy._ If I believed in their reality, I'd be believing in StarClan. Which meant I'd be believing in two fake things, and unlike the other cats, I want to hold on to the truth and know it's the truth. 

But those dreams, real or not, had some valuable information, not to mention clarification of my beliefs…

------

Instead of the normal dreams basically every Clan cat had of chasing butterflies and hunting prey and bathing in the sun and all that peaceful stuff, one night I had a decidedly different dream. You know something's odd if you're in a shadowy clearing surrounded by a dark forest instead of the tranquil hills and streams and ancient trees and whatnot.

And as my spectacular psychic skills thought, it turned out something was definitely odd. That verification came when I saw a massive dark brown tabby tom with long claws and amber eyes. He sat down a few tail-lengths in front of me, tail swishing.

"Greetings, Icepaw," he hissed in that icy cool voice that every cat known as evil seems to delight in using. But something differentiated in the usual villain appearance – a faint, pleased smile flickering around the corners of his mouth. I guess it could be dismissed as him thinking of his evil plans, but it didn't seem like that to me.

I acknowledged him with a small nod of my head. "Greetings, Tigerstar," I mewed back in that same cold voice. I suddenly felt as if I was in some sort of Evil Cat Training.

Tigerstar inclined his head in the same way, then began, "You may be wondering why you have been taken from your usual dreams–"

"Oh, come off it," I snapped, interrupting what seemed to have been the beginning of a long and winding speech. "We both know you 'chose to appear to me' and all that foxdung because I just happen to have a different view of you than all the other ThunderClanners!"

I had kind of been hoping for some sort of surprise to take over his face, but if it did, his face remained emotionless – though his eyes had that sort of glint as if he was laughing at me inside his head, thinking how foolish I was to think I surprised him. Tigerstar was clever, all right.

While a silence settled between us, I surveyed my setting, this dark forest. Looked rather like where some typically evil cat would live – plenty of shadows, darkness, gloomy and gnarled trees that looked dead, no life to speak of, that sort of thing. I wouldn't be surprised if Tigerstar could suit the look to his interest and delighted in a wicked style that would frighten every cat.

"Where are we?" I asked, glancing up at the sky. Fitting with everything else, it reveled in being a sad and dull gray with storm clouds here and there.

"You are where all the cats deemed to have done inexcusable evil crimes by StarClan go – The Place of No Stars."

Oh boy.

Nonbeliever though I was, something about that concept seemed rather heavy – and here I was in the middle of it. I maintained a look of disinterest, and responded. "Oh, please. You expect me to believe that when I think that StarClan are tales for kits to make them be obedient?"

Tigerstar snorted, replying, "Quite a character here, eh?"

I couldn't think of a response to that. Instead I stood there, waiting for something – what, I didn't know.

I waited for a few good minutes, the two of us trapped in an awkward blanket of silence. No cricket chirps, no branches and leaves rustling, no wind whistling – no nothing. This was supposedly the place for all the evil cats, after all. They couldn't have any of that, no, no.

Finally, in an attempt of trying to break the true silence, which was getting rather irritating, I said, "So, really – why am I here? What does knowing most of what you did wasn't that evil and thinking some of it was fine have to do with you 'summoning' me to 'The Place of No Stars', where you live?"

This brought on another silence. Nice going, Icepaw, having your statement to break the silence you hate bringing it full on again.

Finally, Tigerstar was so kind as to supply me with an answer. Well, not an answer. First an attitude change. He hesitated, and as he did, the icy cool demeanor fell right off him, like a coat of dirt.

But his answer was stereotypical wickedness. So much for that. "You can fill out the plans I never had the chance to achieve," he hissed, amber eyes gleaming. "You will learn things you never would have under me – you will become the greatest warrior ever known."

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Once again: oh, _please._ I didn't think you weren't completely evil for it to turn out you enjoyed acting like you _were!_"

In this short time, I appeared to have become a master in making uneasy silences. Not entirely useful, but oh well.

Fortunately, this one only lasted around a few moments. "You are cleverer than you appear," Tigerstar mewed, his amber eyes inspecting my every feature.

I let the insult go.

"I have called you here," he continued, "Because I truly have found someone who could fulfill my plans and doesn't believe, like the narrow minded Clans and my narrow minded children – except for Hawkfrost, of course, though even he rather thought of it as evil but liked it that way – that it is bad and evil, but believes that it is truly a good idea. Rather surprising, as you are unrelated to me and your parents both hold strong hate for me."

"But what if I don't _want_ to fulfill your plans? I'm not a puppet for you to maneuver! And what if I just think the idea isn't so bad – does that mean I want for it to happen?"

Tigerstar just eyed me, his amber eyes holding that sort of patronizing laugh again. "One of the reasons I was almost successful in my plans is because I became a master at detecting what one felt through body movement and what they said."

Foxdung.

I kind of expected some sort of attempt at persuading me to be his puppet – I guess the image of Tigerstar wheedling and me ignoring him appealed to me. But Tigerstar's form of persuading was telling the truth.

Which was, by the way, probably the most effective way of persuading.

It was really starting to surprise me that Tigerstar hadn't managed to fulfill his plans – and that he had used such a crude method to try to use Scourge. I didn't say this out loud, though – I could tell Tigerstar had an ego, and I didn't want to help puff it up. But with fake bravado, I shot back, "Then how did Scourge manage to outwit you?"

Tigerstar seemed to expect every response I returned. "I have cunning equals – he was one of them."

"So – is this all you're going to do? Have me talk about random things and have silences come every chance they get?" I asked as soon as I felt another silence coming on.

"Well, you appear to be holding back much of what you've been thinking, so it would be natural that there'd be silences instead of you speaking your thoughts, wouldn't it?"

This cat had an answer for everything – but in a very vexing way. I supposed this quality in which he seemed to know all the answers was what had attracted some of his followers to him – because would a cat rather place their confidence in a hesitating cat who was not quite sure of the future, or a cat that could give a smooth answer to everything?

"You know," I said, "I think I've been here for a while – and I'm getting quite exhausted. Mind if I – depart from this dream? Wake up?"

"You're the one who has power over that," Tigerstar pointed out, smirking. "Wake up if you want to."

Trust him to make a remark like that. I had a feeling I had gotten to know Tigerstar better than most in a few hours than most had during their whole lives. That was the last thought that meandered in my mind while I was in The Place of the No Stars – suddenly the shadows and gloom was replaced by a feeling of distinct discomfort and sunlight pouring onto my face.

"Wake up!" Foxpaw yowled into my ear. "Cinderheart wants to teach you some fighting techniques!"

I muttered something that sounded rather like "Leemee lun" and yawned, blinking. Suddenly my dream came back vividly, and involuntarily made a comparison between Firestar and Tigerstar in my mind.

Something about Tigerstar – his charisma, his personality? Something made him further up on the scale than Firestar.

But I was still loyal, absolutely loyal, mind.

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**A/N: I hope that wasn't too disappointing or forced or anything. I hope you liked my portrayal of Tigerstar. You may have also noticed this fic is a bit of a satire in a way - it's mocking some of the stereotypical stuff in Warriors and Warriors fanfics xD**

**Constructive criticism appreciated.**


	3. StarClan's 'Wisdom'

**A/N: Yes, here's the usual apology for taking so long to put up a chapter like I do in Heat of the Sun.**

**Disclaimer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No.**

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**Chapter 3**

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It's funny how a simple realization lands you right into a muddle. I think Tigerstar may be right in some aspects – and boom, he "summons" me to "The Place of No Stars" so I can have a chat with him that may or may not have been real. I get "summoned" to "The Place of No Stars", and…

Yeah. Boom, I get, once again, summoned. To StarClan.

Throughout all of this, one of my minor thoughts was "Why can't they leave my atheist beliefs in peace?"

Oh, and, this summons was, of course, in a dream, continuing my odd dreams streak that differed from a tranquil wonderland.

One thing I found rather…interesting was that my visit to The Place of No Stars with Tigerstar was a lot friendlier, despite the obvious evil vibe.

I must say, considering what my Clanmates say, I'm quite disillusioned. Aren't StarClan supposed to be the good, wise, all-knowing ones?

Guess my Clanmates need a wake-up call…

------

So, I appeared in a clearing. Yes, just a clearing. The good cats must not have had as much of a good imagination as the evil ones. But of course the evil ones would use theirs more often for their "evil plots". But I guess that's rather besides the point.

In this clearing, sitting a few fox-lengths in front of me, was a cat. StarClan, I presumed, given the odd white glow she had and the fact that it wouldn't be too surprising if I was with the evil cats one night and the good cats the next.

Besides the weird white glow that gave off the good vibe just as much as the dark forest of The Place of No Stars gave off a bad one, the cat had short blue-gray fur, icy blue eyes, and a silver tinged muzzle.

Oh, I knew her. Bluestar. The leader before Firestar and all that.

"You may not know why you are here, Icepaw," Bluestar began in a stern voice, "but–"

I may not know? This would be fun.

"Oh, I think I do know," I interrupted. "I talked to Tigerstar. Tigerstar is the supreme evil. Therefore, he'll be trying to make me evil. I, the naïve apprentice, don't know this, so you have to come and warn me so I won't listen to him and thus, stay good. I think I just said the gist of what you were about to say in your long speech."

Apparently, I was right, judging from the rather dumbfounded look on Bluestar's face.

"Anyway," I said, "thank you and goodbye."

The dumbfounded look on Bluestar's face disappeared, replaced with an outraged one, complete with narrowed, flashing eyes and a mouth just begging to unleash a hiss. I guess my lack of respect for her great StarClan-ness didn't please her that much.

"I don't believe in StarClan, in case you haven't known that while prying into Clan affairs," I meowed, wondering when StarClan cats had stopped being all-knowing. "Why should I give my respect to a cat that I believe doesn't even exist anymore?"

"How can you deny StarClan's existence when one of their cats is standing right in front of you?" she finally spat out.

"In case you haven't noticed," I answered, "I'm dreaming. And last time I checked, those peaceful scenes I usually have weren't real. Same case can apply here."

Bluestar sighed; I guess she couldn't come up with a good enough response. Instead, she avoided it, and replied, "Very well, but that's not the point. Despite what you said, you must be warned about Tigerstar. He is one of the most evil cats the Clans have ever known, and despite the veneer of friendliness he has, he will do anything to achieve his ends. Don't be manipulated; he truly is evil."

He truly is evil…uh, no. My speculation disproved that.

"For what?" I shot back. "For thinking it would be better for the Clans to band together? For being confident and ambitious and thinking he'd be a good leader? He has done some horrible things, but he's not completely evil."

"The Clans," said Bluestar, "are better split apart. If–"

"I've heard all that before," I mewed. "All that idiocy about how having separate Clans makes cats loyal – what a flimsy reason! How can having one big Clan not make loyal cats? And then there's the other reason – too much power for one cat. It's called split power; lots of deputies and advisors who make sure it doesn't turn into some sort of dictatorship. Really, what's your and 'StarClan's' problem?"

Bluestar said nothing, but her face tightened and her eyes hardened. "It appears that though you are young, nothing can change you. I will have deep regrets if you end up in The Place of No Stars when you die."

"Don't give me this 'sad, immeasurably wise, old cat' thing," I snapped. "Why don't you stay out of my business and let me do what I want – from what my Clanmates say, I thought StarClan didn't control everything. So what right do you have to control _me?_ To help me along the 'path of good' so I won't walk down the 'wrong path'?"

I'd always had neutral feelings for StarClan before, seeing as I didn't believe in it. But…but now, what these supposedly good cats were doing…

"You say Tigerstar's a wicked, manipulating cat," I spat out, "but so are you and the rest of 'StarClan' are no better. Making every cat believe cats that aren't completely evil are totally wicked and should be feared…" For some reason, my mind suddenly traveled to a friendly ShadowClan apprentice I had met at a Gathering once, Minkpaw. He didn't seem to be greedy, malevolent, and all that, which had led me to believe it was all a stereotype, and the ShadowClanners only acted like that to the other Clans because the other Clans refused to believe they could be anything else. "…and subtly controlling the Clans, yet not trying to convince the Clans to let go of their stupid ShadowClan stereotype…"

I saw Bluestar wince at that last point. So they were aware of it and did nothing to stop it.

I shook my head. "And that's all I've _noticed_. Who knows what else you've done? _Is_ there even a good side here?"

Now Bluestar stiffened and sat still, except for her tail, which lashed from side to side.

"I think I'm done for now," I mewed, "seeing as you haven't been able to come up with an adequate response to my accusations. Be glad, though; I can now see that StarClan is true, though my respect for you was much more when I thought of you as tales to make the kits obedient. It's far fallen now."

"I can assure you," Bluestar snarled, her icy blue eyes glittering, "that you have guaranteed yourself a spot of in The Place of No Stars."

"For what? Not agreeing with your controlling ideals?" I laughed humorlessly. "I thought cats could have their own opinions."

I got a hiss in response.

"You do know," I said as an afterthought, something occurring to me, "that I could tell all of this encounter to my Clan? The mask you've put on to them will be torn apart."

"You wouldn't dare," Bluestar hissed. "And they would believe you, anyway."

"Oh, I would dare," I responded, laughing. "But you are probably right – they might not believe me. Perhaps I'll tell them later, at a time when they'll want to think bad of you…" I trailed off as my thoughts stayed and lingered inside my head. I dipped my head in mockery, purring, "Goodbye, great StarClanner."

Before she could reply, I opened my eyes and woke up.

------

My mind always kept wandering back to my dream and what I had found about StarClan, which really (and sadly, considering what I'd found out about them) did exist. Luckily, Cinderheart sent me on a hunting mission, leaving time for me to speculate and ponder to my heart's desire, and maybe catch a couple squirrels.

Until recently, I had always thought of the Clans in terms of black and white. Tigerstar was all evil, as was Darkstripe, as Brokenstar, as was Scourge, and wherever they went to when he died. Firestar and StarClan were all good.

Of course, now it was Tigerstar's ideas were good, some things he did could be called evil. It seemed like Darkstripe probably liked Tigerstar's ideas and wanted to do anything to help achieve them. Brokenstar probably had a good side too, and I bet Scourge was probably just trying to get the best for his Clan. I would kill to live in the forest instead of Twolegplace, too.

StarClan were a bunch of manipulators who wanted to let stereotypes such as ShadowClan being all evil prevail, but appeared to the Clan cats as extremely good cats who, whatever the Clan cats thought, did _not_ basically control their lives. Odd how the one theory the Clans have that's true was discarded.

Part of me cursed Featherkit and Boulderkit for playing that Tigerstar game; if only I hadn't been there watching or if they hadn't been playing it, I never would have realized the truth and my life would be a whole lot less complicated. The other part, however, was grateful; I knew it would horrible for me to live my whole life being ignorant of the truth about the 'evil' and 'good' cats.

My mind flashed back to the dream with Tigerstar, and how I said I was unwilling to be his puppet and carry out what he never did. But with StarClan…

I was between half-evil and manipulators that thought they meant well. All the shades of gray…black and white was so much simpler.

I thought of all the other apprentices in ThunderClan. _They_ didn't have to deal with this; all this turmoil and truth. They were blissful in their ignorance.

Maybe I could just forget about all this and carry on with my normal life. I could ignore both StarClan and Tigerstar, and just blindly follow the stereotypes and lies. For a few moments, it appealed to me very much.

But I knew I could never let this lie.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed the different view of StarClan. I certainly enjoyed it, because Icepaw's opinion here isn't and never was mine. **

**Constructive criticism appreciated.**


	4. Acquisition of a Supporter

**A/N: Here's my usual apology for taking so long. Yeah. I have a valid reason this time, though. I was working on a oneshot that took around two months to complete, I'm working on a Harry Potter fic that isn't up yet, I still have Heat of the Sun to update, and I have a barely-started Warriors fic to work on that also isn't posted yet. And that's just here on FF. Good enough explanation? **

**By the way, I also apologize for some of the un-Clan cat-like talk Icepaw uses in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: In case you didn't think so before, the way StarClan is described in the last chapter should prove I'm definitely not one of the Erin Hunters.**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

* * *

The next day, thankfully, I had no odd dreams. Perhaps Tigerstar found out about StarClan's visit to me and decided that I already had enough stress in my life, and anther dream from him wouldn't help it very much.

Hahaha. No. I actually did start getting summoned to The Place of No Stars the next night, and got far enough to see Tigerstar's face, at which point I said, "I am _not_ dealing with another strange dream tonight; I want my impossibly peaceful wonderlands back!" I think at that point Tigerstar un-summoned me. He probably knew never to underestimate an annoyed she-cat.

The day after that was the Gathering. I was picked to go. I wondered if Murkpaw would be there; after remembering him during my rant to Bluestar, I wanted to ask him about the stereotypes his Clan experienced. Possibly, I'd find out more about StarClan's manipulations. Certainly ShadowClan would have caught on after what they faced from other Clans that StarClan weren't quite the perfect little angels they appeared to be. I fit right in with them, I guess.

Maybe I should have been born a ShadowClanner…

* * *

I found Murkpaw at the Gathering a couple tail-lengths apart from some other ShadowClan cats. The ShadowClanners never seemed to socialize as much with the other Clans; probably because of the bad reputation they had that StarClan never bothered to quash.

"Hi, Murkpaw!" I said, sounding considerably cheerful for someone whose general beliefs of life had just raised a complaint and quit their jobs in my mind in the span of two days.

Murkpaw looked up, wondering who greeted him; then his eyes fell on me. "Oh, hi, Icepaw," he murmured.

Eager to participate in something normal like helping out a friend who looked sad, I asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing you'd understand," Murkpaw muttered. "Especially since you're a ThunderClanner."

A ThunderClanner who knows Tigerstar isn't completely evil and has been to The Place of No Stars and StarClan. I think I would understand.

"Tell me anyway," I begged, now getting rather annoyed at having to play an ignorant, eager-to-help apprentice. It wasn't really me, and I hated acting.

I foresaw many problems for the rest of my life, considering what I'd been going through.

"Only a ShadowClanner would understand," Murkpaw said. "And they're all dealing with the same problem as me anyway."

Screw acting. He wasn't a ThunderClanner, anyway. "Let me guess," I meowed, tail whipping from side to side. "Blackstar got all annoyed at StarClan and told them to get rid of your Clan's giant, prejudiced stereotype. StarClan, being the controlling pieces of foxdung they are, refused. And to top it all off, you probably just encountered a group of cats that acted with extreme prejudice toward you."

Judging by Murkpaw's widened green eyes and the way is unsheathed-in-surprise claws dug into the ground, I was right. "How did you know?" he asked, leaning forward.

"If I told you, you wouldn't believe me," I replied, then added dryly, "Let's just say special dreams aren't all they're cracked up to be."

The dark brown tom looked at me with a different expression than usual in his narrowed, calculating, green eyes. Not anything awestruck or amazed, thankfully.

"When I first met you," he mewed, picking his words like prey out of a well-stocked fresh-kill pile, "you were an ordinary ThunderClan apprentice who didn't care who you met as long as they weren't an arrogant piece of mousedung." His mouth tightened. "Now you seem to be having special dreams, which usually means you are the subject of a prophecy." He sized me up and murmured, "I wouldn't have thought you the prophecy-cat type."

"Believe me," I snorted, "neither does StarClan." Bluestar especially. Possibly the rest of the ThunderClan cats in StarClan as well, if Bluestar held any sort of sway over them. And perhaps still so if she didn't even have any sway. I wouldn't have been surprised if many StarClan cats had been watching that little conversation.

For the first time in a couple days, my silence-making talent kicked in once again, remembered and just clamoring to be noticed. I could've sworn it only happened when I was with Tigerstar. Guess I was wrong.

Murkpaw chewed his lip and became abnormally fascinated with the ground, while I swished my tail from side to side and watched him, feeling uncomfortable as other cats cast furtive looks at the ShadowClan apprentice that looked oddly sad and not cruel for a ShadowClanner and the ThunderClan apprentice who looked like she thought she'd be much better off as a pebble no one was paying attention to.

"I was just thinking about how cats of every other Clan hate us because we're ShadowClan," Murkpaw murmured, eyes narrowed in thought. "And it's just so – so weird, because we're all cats; it would be different if ShadowClan were foxes or something, but we're not, we're just cats like the rest of them…"

I nodded politely. I kind of sensed where this was going.

"So I was thinking; wouldn't it be better if we were all in one Clan?"

Ooh, bull's eye.

Sighing, Murkpaw then hissed, "But of course, no cat would ever think of that after Tigerstar – he ruined everything. Every cat forgets he was initially a ThunderClanner, and _then_ became ShadowClan leader." He dug his claws into the ground and spat, voice growing louder, "So what if it was Tigerstar's idea? It's not like it could be changed. It's not like he was the first to ever think of it, and I doubt he was. It's not like he has 'The Evil Touch', where everything he thinks of our touches turns wicked." Suddenly Murkpaw shut his mouth as his widened eyes darted from side to side; he was usually a pretty quiet cat, not prone to outbursts. As if to make up for the sudden blurt, he shut his eyes tight and hunched over, tail curled around his legs. Slowly he raised his head up again and whispered, "A StarClanner actually had the nerve last night to come to Blackstar and warn him about his old loyalties to Tigerstar. Said they should be over and done with, even if he _is_ a ShadowClan cat." His eyes narrowed as he thought of even a StarClan cat daring to tell Blackstar such a thing. "Blackstar hasn't been so angry in moons – he joked that perhaps we should rename ourselves LightClan and then all the prejudice would stop because there would be no evil sounding word in our Clan's name. And he only jokes if he's really angry inside."

I had to wonder if it was Bluestar. "Did Blackstar describe the cat?"

Murkpaw blinked. "I – I think he said it was a tortoiseshell, but I really don't care – the cat still insulted our leader! I'm surprised StarClan hasn't banned ShadowClan from their ranks yet, with all this prejudice…"

I was still gaping over the fact that even after they died cats wouldn't let stupid rivalries lie. But Murkpaw was right. I could just imagine, say, some innocent ShadowClan queen being sent to The Place of No Stars because they had the supposed misfortune to be born in ShadowClan. Or a ShadowClan kit that died of greencough or something.

StarClan couldn't be _that_ prejudiced. But then again, I also once thought Tigerstar was evil, StarClan didn't exist and if it did it was just some neutral place where cats went when they died, that ShadowClan had most of the bad cats, and anyone who went to The Place of No Stars utterly deserved it.

Speculating upon this, I decided it was pretty likely that StarClan were a prejudiced lot. Was there another place to go besides StarClan and The Place of No Stars?

My thoughts turned back to Murkpaw, who now seemed to be staring into space at a very despicable something, green eyes narrowed. I decided he was pretty trustworthy, and wouldn't run away screaming if I told him about the events of the last couple days. I looked around, saw no other cats were in the vicinity because they were listening to the leader's announcements (Leopardstar seemed to be currently going into a long tangent about something; I didn't bother listening to find out what it was she was rambling about), and lowered my voice just in case.

"Murkpaw," I hissed, "I've got something to tell you. Don't tell _anyone_, and I assure you, this all happened for real."

Murkpaw lost focus on the anonymous, loathsome thing and looked at me, green eyes calm and steady. "I won't tell _anyone._"

I believed him. "Okay," I mewed. "A couple sunrises ago, I was watching these two kits in the nursery playing…"

* * *

"…and then the clearing just…faded away, and I woke up; I had no odd dreams last night, so here I am now."

"I knew it!" Murkpaw hissed. "I always knew there was something odd about StarClan. Blackstar just thought some former ThunderClanner in StarClan had done that because they were just spiteful and annoyed for some reason or other, but I _knew_ that cat had done it with consent. I _knew_!"

So it was a good decision I'd made; I hadn't told it all to a cat who would go berserk and think I was lying and tell it all to their leader. Thank StarClan.

Wait…

I needed a new expression for relief. Great Tigerstar, Thank Tigerstar? Definitely not. I was not going to inflate his ego anytime soon. Thank Myself? I wasn't some kind of super-powerful cat, thank you very much. Great Luck? Nah. Thank Fate?

Hmm. That sounded good. It was fate, anyone. Great Fate rhymed, though. It sounded like something a kit would make up.

Perhaps I'd just stick with not using Great StarClan or anything starting with great anymore.

Uh. Anyway…

Something prodded me; it was Murkpaw's tail, which he then used to gesture up ahead. "The Gathering must be over," he mewed. "We'd better go and appear like we were there the whole time."

I nodded. "Bye," I hissed as I ran over to the group of ThunderClan cats.

Murkpaw flicked his tail and padded over to the ShadowClanners.

Partner in crime? Check.

* * *

I basked in the sun's rays on a lush, grassy hill, and breathed in the sweet scent of wildflowers. My ear pricked a bit, picking up the distant sound of a bird's call, but I was too lazy to get up and hunt it. Puffy white clouds were scattered over the wide expanse of pale blue sky like leaves on the ground during leaf-fall. Purring in content, I wished all my life was like this: peaceful, calm, and full of pleasure.

StarC – no, _Fate_, did I love Tranquil Dreamland. I could almost forget I'd been at The Place of No Stars and a clearing in StarClan, that I'd conversed with supposedly the most evil cat in the forest ever and one of the most beloved leaders of ThunderClan.

W – wait, did that blue sky just turn a shade darker?

If there was such a thing, the clouds changed to a darker white, then into a light gray, noticeable shadows occurring on their bottoms. As if everything had been cast into the shade, the sun became a whole lot less powerful and a breeze flowed by, brushing against my fur. Looking up at the sky again, I saw it was now a dismal gray; the fresh green grass now looked cracked, weedy, and lifeless. I pawed it; it also felt rather rough and prickly.

Maybe it was just this particular spot…?

I got up and padded away, growl-inducing winds accompanying me and buffeting me forward as well. As I walked, I kicked up some hard and dry dirt and pebbles where patches of grass had disappeared, making the ground underneath produce a sound akin to grinding as I walked on it. Squinting my eyes and peering forward, hoping to find more of the original Tranquil Dreamland, my vision was obscured by the beginnings of a fog.

I started to think about changing the name of Tranquil Dreamland.

I raised my head to gaze up at the sky again, finding the faint sight of shadowed clouds covering all of the sky, with a thick gray fog covering almost all of that.

Accepting now that every spot of my Tranquil Dreamland probably looked like this, I disregarded that acceptance, closed my eyes, butted my head forward, and moved on. Winds ruffled and seared across my fur, racing off to their destination. The grass whipped my paws and waved around from the wind, pulled from their spots in the ground.

Eventually, I opened my eyes, greeted the sight of nothing but a world entirely ruled by gray.

Somehow, gray was even more overwhelming than the black of my closed eyes. Suffice to say, I closed them again.

And opened them. You'll never guess what said hello to my eyes this time.

That's right. A clearing. Yippee.

Now that I think about it, it's rather unsettling that StarClan can control my dreams. And that besides being manipulative control freaks, they get a kick out of me going wild over the un-tranquilizing of my Tranquil Dreamland.

Anyway.

This time, it wasn't Bluestar sitting down with her tail curled neatly around her paws at the front of the clearing, but a different cat. A dark tortoiseshell she-cat with amber eyes sat there, emanating a strong and oversweet scent. If I recall the tales the elders had told me correctly, this was Spottedleaf, the medicine cat during Firestar's apprenticeship, and the one before Yellowfang, Cinderpelt, and Leafpool.

"Hello, Icepaw," said the she-cat in a soft mew, "I would like to have a talk with you."

Her scent was basically pouring into my nostrils without my trying to smell it. I started to long for pungent ShadowClan scent.

"If you're going to spew the same stuff that Bluestar was saying a couple nights ago, I think I could do without it, thanks."

Spottedleaf adopted a concerned look – probably because I wasn't showing loads of respect for a StarClanner who was also a beloved former leader of ThunderClan – and responded, "Well, you'd have to listen to see if I do, wouldn't you?"

All the while letting that infuriatingly sweet scent of hers replace the air in the clearing. Now I was even wanting a whiff – perhaps even more than a whiff – of mouse bile.

So maybe Little Miss Sweet Scent was cleverer than she looked. "I suppose I would," I conceded, trying to figure out a way of closing my nose to any smells.

"Now, Icepaw," Spottedleaf purred, bending down so were almost nose to nose, "you've been a bad little apprentice, haven't you?"

Memories of my mother, Ferncloud, saying something nearly identical to this (kit instead of apprentice, Icekit instead of Icepaw) surfaced in my mind. I got the distinct impression that Spottedleaf thought that I possessed the brain of a vole. And that perhaps She of the Disgustingly Sweet Scent wasn't that clever after all.

"Well, that's all relative, isn't it? You and Bluestar and the rest of StarClan may think I've been being a 'bad little apprentice', in your words, but _I _certainly don't, and who's to say many other cats don't think so either?" I was hoping she would have gotten thrown off by the presence of the fourth word, but I didn't particularly like underestimating cats. Besides, I understood what cats meant by relative by the time I was four or five moons, and no matter how mousebrained Spottedleaf appeared to be, she was definitely hiding a lot under.

Now, if she could just figure out how to hide her scent…

"Well, of course you wouldn't think you were being bad, would you, Icepaw? Most cats don't realize they've been bad…But I must say, these cats you mention that don't believe you've been bad are rather…disconcerting choices."

Nice subtlety, Spottedleaf. I would never have guessed you were referring to Tigerstar and a ShadowClanner.

"Oh, so it's disconcerting I choose to associate with a ShadowClan cat?" I snapped. "Why is it disconcerting that I choose to associate with an apprentice from another Clan my own age? Isn't that we are allowed to do at Gatherings?"

Spottedleaf smiled. "Of course not, dear. How could you even think I was referring to that? It's perfectly acceptable for you to meet cats your own age. But remember, cats aren't always who they appear to be. They may seem nice, but on the inside they are manipulating you. We – that is, StarClan – are trying to remind you of this, so you will return to being a loyal apprentice – then warrior – to your Clan."

Uh, One of the Scent Worse than Crowfood, you just described StarClan in a nutshell. Tigerstar threw away all ideas of trying to manipulate me after he actually met me.

"Somehow, I think I'm smart enough to understand who exactly is trying to manipulate me and who isn't," I returned. I looked at Spottedleaf rather intensely, wondering if she would catch my meaning.

If she did, she didn't show it, just continued smiling in that way that wasn't smug at all yet was smug on the inside.

Oh, and you can't forget that stuffy, supposedly sweet scent.

"And," I continued, though at this moment something faltered inside me, "I am perfectly loyal t – to my Clan. Told any of the other Clans our secrets lately? No. Joined the opposition during a battle? No. Killed a fellow ThunderClan cat? No. Betrayed Firestar in any way? Well, what do you know, wrong again. No, I'm loyal, absolutely loyal to Firestar and ThunderClan."

On a sudden whim, I looked around the clearing – same as always. Old and stout trees surrounding the ground, a few bushes on the edges, some shrubs, pebbles, and rocks in the clearing itself. Faint sound of a bird's chirrup, now that I cocked my ears, and the scent of the trees, myself, the worst scent of all, and another I couldn't quite identify.

"And," I mewed, as I continued looking around, "you can't punish a cat for what they believe in as long as its doing no harm and making no impact. Last time I checked, my beliefs hadn't killed Firestar, nor had they murdered any other cat."

What was that smell? I knew I had smelled it somewhere before…Well, at least it was distracting me from The Scent of Doom.

"But, Icepaw," Spottedleaf mewed, amber eyes widened in "concern", "what if they do? That is why we are warning you about this danger."

Spottedleaf needed to learn the art of improvising a wee bit better. Okay, more than a wee bit.

"Well, what if Firestar's beliefs harm us? What if your beliefs harm me? What if the vole snuffling around on the riverbank harms us with its beliefs? Really, my beliefs are just about as dangerous as anyone else's, so you might as well go and warn every one about their beliefs."

"Certain beliefs," said Insufferable Scent She-cat slowly (ooh, I finally threw her off), "can be more dangerous than others."

Great reason, Spottedleaf.

A smell other than Spottedleaf's (Thank Sta – Fate!) wafted past my nose; it was the same one which I swore I had smelled before.

Time to figure out if She who Possesses the Doom-bringing Scent knew what cat it belonged to.

Taking in a deep, exaggerated sniff, which unfortunately contained big doses of the Supposedly Sweet Scent of Spottedleaf, I meowed, "I wonder if we're the only cats here in this part of StarClan. I thought I scented another cat, but that must have just been me getting confused." I batted my widened blue eyes at her, adding just a touch of innocence.

Spottedleaf was far too eager to think of me as a sweet little apprentice if she was encountered with such an act. "Well, there are many places like this all over the skies of StarClan," she purred. "They're where leaders and medicine cats meet with StarClanners. Sometimes ordinary cats are brought here as well, like you, Icepaw."

Ah. It could be a leader's scent, but I'd recognize it immediately. A gut instinct inside me doubted it was a medicine cat.

I sniffed the scent again. It was pretty strong, with somewhat of a tang to it, and…

It was pungent. ShadowClan.

Well, if it wasn't Blackstar or Littlecloud, who could it be? It wasn't as if ShadowClan had some prophecy cat in their Clan…

"_Sometimes ordinary cats are brought here as well, like you, Icepaw."_

I was brought here for my beliefs. Who else had beliefs similar to mine?

I really, really should have stayed acting as the normal, eager apprentice to Murkpaw.

"All right Spottedleaf, why did you and your interfering StarClan drag _Murkpaw_ into this?" I hissed, blue eyes switching from widened to narrowed.

"As I said," replied Spottedleaf, with that fake sad tone, "some beliefs are more dangerous than others, Icepaw, dear. We just need to show you and Murkpaw the errors of your ways."

"Errors of our ways? Foxdung. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to rescue my friend just in case you succeed in brainwashing him of his personality and beliefs."

Before She of the Scent That Could Make Me Spill Blood could respond, I dashed away and ran through the forest of StarClan, following Murkpaw's scent. I had the suspicion that the StarClanners could make their skies' setting adjust, and very well confuse me and get me lost. I was counting on them not to notice me.

I sprinted and followed Murkpaw's scent, not caring that I was getting pebbles and leaves and dirt and who knew what else stuck in my fur, that the sharp ends of rocks were prodding my paws, that sometimes I almost bumped into thick tree trunks.

Eventually the forest began to thin; obviously I was getting near another one of StarClan's clearings. Murkpaw's scent was also stronger, so it was obviously the clearing he was in with another StarClan cat.

A few fox-lengths away from the clearing, the forest was thinned out enough that I could see Murkpaw sitting on the ground – who he was facing, I didn't know, as I couldn't see the cat. Continuing to run, I dodged between the trees bordering the clearing and yowled, "Murkpaw!"

Murkpaw looked up, green eyes widened. "Icepaw, why are you here?"

"Because, like you, StarClan has deemed my beliefs 'more dangerous than others''," I replied, glancing at the cat sent to deal with Murkpaw. This StarClanner was a sleek black tom who I didn't recognize – an important former ShadowClanner, perhaps?

"_StarClan_. We're in StarClan?"

"You didn't know?" It was something unexpected from Murkpaw, especially after he had complained of what StarClan had done to Blackstar.

"Well…" Murkpaw murmured, as he shot a glance at the black tom who was watching this all rather calmly, "even after…everything else that's…happened, I didn't think StarClan was like…was like…"

"This," I finished for him.

Murkpaw nodded weakly, ogling the black StarClan cat one last time.

"I don't care if you were ShadowClan once – even a leader," Murkpaw hissed at the black StarClanner, "Now you're a StarClanner, and they've changed you too much. Now if you excuse me, I'm leaving you and the mouse bile you're spewing."

The black tom – a former ShadowClan leader? – was apparently calmer with this than Spottedleaf or Bluestar; he simply glared and bared his fangs, whispering, "You'll regret keeping those beliefs and siding with that ThunderClanner."

Murkpaw simply sniffed in response and I began running, him following me. We didn't stop until we were well into the thick of the forest again. Panting heavily, Murkpaw forced out, "So how – do we escape from here?"

"You just open your eyes," I explained.

He looked at me quizzically. "My eyes are opened."

I groaned quietly and rolled my eyes. "Not like that, I mean close them and then – _really_ open them. Chances are it'll be time for you to wake up anyway."

Narrowing his eyes, Murkpaw looked at me, as if I wasn't telling the truth – and I'd assume he'd be pretty suspicious after his little jaunt here in StarClan – but then he closed his eyes.

Blue eyes widened, I stared, watching Murkpaw. He must have opened his eyes and woken up, because his body started shimmering and becoming translucent, a shadow of the solid Murkpaw. The translucence thinned into transparence and the dark brown apprentice became see-through; a rather misty view of the trees behind him could be seen. He had become no more than an outline. Starting to shimmer again, by the time he stopped shimmering Murkpaw had disappeared altogether, now back in the real world and out of that of dreams and StarClan.

Continuing to stare at the spot which Murkpaw had previously inhabited, I started to think. Murkpaw had seemed pretty normal; it didn't look like that former ShadowClan leader or whatever had convinced him his beliefs were "dangerous" and that they needed to be changed. But outward appearances weren't always the true ones. I didn't even know much about Murkpaw anyway. For all I knew, he could be an exquisite actor.

Perhaps it had affected him.

My head now filled with worries that most likely weren't true, I closed my eyes and opened them again. I found the sight of snoozing apprentices surrounding me – Hollypaw, Lionpaw, Foxpaw, and the almost warriors – Poppypaw, Cinderpaw, and Honeypaw. Being a medicine cat apprentice, Jaypaw slept with Leafpool in the medicine cat den.

Obviously it was still night-time, and I could still sleep. Closing my eyes, I hoped to be greeted by a real Tranquil Dreamland, not StarClan's fake. Plus a nice dose of the normal scent of nature. Nothing sweet, please.

Before settling down into some serious sleeping, I glanced at all the other apprentices. They had normal lives. They worried about getting punished by their mentors or Firestar, about battles, about ShadowClanners, about becoming warriors. They were loyal, absolutely loyal.

But – but so was I.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. There will probably be only one or two chapters after this one, though.**

**Constructive criticism appreciated.**


	5. Paranoia

**So. Fifth chapter. Took too long, I know. **

**Oh, and no more disclaimer. Thought you might understand by now, so, yeah.**

**Oh, by the way, Murkpaw is Murkpaw. Not Minkpaw. I have no idea how his name was Minkpaw the first time he was ever mentioned. It's Murkpaw.**

**Chapter 5**

I remember the first time my mother, Ferncloud, told Foxpaw and I about StarClan, back when we were two moon old kits. She told us about how the stars in the sky that make up Silverpelt are the spirits of dead warriors that watch over us; she told us how StarClanners are immeasurably wise and always know what's best for us; she told us how StarClan give us prophecies that help us and the Clans; she told us how we had to be good so we could go to StarClan and continue to help the Clans.

After that she took us out with our father, Dustpelt's, supervision and showed us the night sky full of twinkling stars – StarClanners – and said nothing more; we were supposed to understand the rest by what she had said before, and from in our hearts.

Foxkit believed right from the start – and so did I. I believed; I just _knew_ that wise, dead warriors were watching us from above and just wanted to do the right thing for us. I prayed to StarClan when my brother and I were fatally hurt (that is, when we got a thorn stuck in our paw or a sharp leaf prickled us) and I stared up at the night sky in amazement, just – just _believing._

That total, peaceful belief lasted for three moons. One night, at the age of five moons old, I looked at the night sky and the shining stars, and then tried to believe that these stars were StarClan, that there was even such a thing.

I couldn't. I tried, I really did, but I just – couldn't. Being a five moon old kit, this drove me nearly insane, making me extremely terrified. Then, the calm set in, where you just think, "Okay. I don't believe in StarClan." And during that calm, I decided if I didn't believe in StarClan, I'd better find some reasons why. (I was ever the sensible, logical one out of me and Foxkit. He was the standard wanna-be-the-best-warrior-in-the-Clan-EVER! kit.)

So I found some. It all made sense, really, that there was no such thing as StarClan, that it was all just tales for kits so they would be good, and continue to be good throughout their lives. After all, if StarClan could do anything for us, even though they only did what was best, than our lives wouldn't be like they are. Sure, there were the prophecies, but they couldn't only apply to one cat, and it was impossibly that only _Firestar_ could save ThunderClan, and so on and so forth. Ever heard of other cats that have fiery ginger fur? Yes, they do exist. Just thinking something like that was enough to put holes in StarClan.

So, I believed in nothing for many happy moons, as a kit and apprentice. Then came the dreams, which forced me to accept something I'd stopped accepting at the tender age of five moons, and also ended my peaceful life. Now, you'd think I was back to square one: believe in StarClan.

Uh, no. When I was under the age of five moons, I believed in StarClan and also knew they existed. From then onward, I didn't believe in StarClan nor did I think they existed. Now, I know they exist.

And let me tell you, knowing something exists is an _entirely_ separate thing from belief…

--

I stared up at the night sky, its multitude of always omniscient, omnipotent-seeming stars staring back at me, millions of small white eyes completely focused on me. Silverpelt stretched out across the dark night, supposedly the home of StarClan and the stars the StarClanners.

I gazed up at the Silverpelt again. Usually I didn't look there, something about the nearly starless parts of the night sky drawing me in instead. Possibly for the seemingly endless dark which still had a depth to it, a morbid fascination for this was also The Place of No Stars, where those StarClan decided to be evil went after death; I didn't know. But my gaze wasn't drawn there tonight, but instead to Silverpelt.

The stars didn't look like stars this night – that is, white, sparkly, twinkling things that shone and glittered and gleamed and all that. Tonight they looked like we were told they are as kits – StarClanners. Well, they actually are, in an odd way, but tonight it just seemed totally plausible and real. The stars were StarClan warriors, looking down on me, watching my every move. Three guesses as to why, and the first two don't count.

Okay, so they might not be. Maybe I'm just arrogant enough to think they're that annoyed and worried about me to put a close watch on me. Or paranoid. Looks like I'm well on my way to becoming a stereotyped evil villain. But I still haven't got the evil part down pat…That's saying something, StarClan. If only you would just listen…

Anyway. Paranoia and arrogance or not, I swear to…Fate that the StarClanners were watching me, just waiting for me to declare, "I am evil! War on all the Clans! Muhahahaha!"

I wondered if Murkpaw was having a better time of it. After all, I was the naughty one who persuaded him to be like he is, apparently. Maybe they were still just trying to get him off my side like they were before. In which case StarClan still didn't get it. Enter an annoyed sigh here. We needed a way to communicate besides Gatherings and which wasn't so stupid as meeting alone at night.

Looking up at the sky again, I decided the stars were really beginning to creep me out. Despite things like tree branches blocking my view of the sky (and therefore the sky from me) they still seemed to shine through every available space just to get to me. If I went all the way to The Place of No Stars they would still find me – that is the kind of thing that effectively sums up what StarClan is like. Paranoid. Omniscient – or wanting and seeming to be. Obsessive. Cunning. Crafty. Knowing everything yet knowing nothing.

"Hey, Icepaw! Aren't you gonna go to sleep?" my brother Foxpaw yowled from the apprentice den, his wide mouth open shouting something as always. "What are you going to do, stare at the sky all night? Very interesting, I'm sure."

I thought about retorting that he should work on his sarcasm, but decided that, being the usual gonna-be-the-best-warrior-ever apprentice who is eager and mischievous and funny and nice, StarClan probably loved him.

...Which reminded me that since I was probably going to The Place of No Stars anyway, I might as well have some fun. "Foxpaw," I mewed, padding over to the apprentice den, "some advice: work on your sarcasm."

Insults had no effect upon Foxpaw; they tended to bounce off him, and he would smile, amber eyes rather vacant in a well-meaning kind of way. I still hadn't worked out whether it was a masterfully crafted act or just plain stupidity and/or naivete. He didn't respond, just swished his tail.

Sometimes it was pretty depressing not to get a reaction. Oh well. I lie down, far away from the apprentices, especially Foxpaw. (Where he got his snoring from, I didn't know and I didn't _want_ to know.)

I think StarClan has power over sleep. This falling to sleep as soon as my head hits the moss is a new tendency. After all, they seem to have power over the dream world as well. StarClan looks like it disguises a lot of its power; maybe I'm underestimating them. Perhaps I could get advice on that? The only cat that sprang to mind for that was Tigerstar. A possibility, if I didn't get a talent for making silences again...

A glimpse of the fresh green fields of Tranquil Dreamland flashed before my eyes for a second, but then I felt a strange pulling sensation as bright was replaced by dark, and soon I found myself in a dark forest where shadows could have originated and where stars couldn't shine if they tried – the formidable Place of No Stars, where the totally, utterly evil lived – well, existed, perhaps – after death. Tigerstar, Brokenstar...you know. The ones cats never tried to look deeper into to see if all that occupied their minds was evil. But no cat can only be evil, and it's a wonder StarClan, those seemingly omniscient cats, had never realized that.

But I'm going on a tangent here. So, there I was, sitting in the forest, my white fur setting me against a stark gray and black setting. It looked like I had been sent from the All Things Good and Pure Committee to the All Things Dark and Evil Committee. Thinking about this, I wondered if there were any "evil" white cats in The Place of No Stars. If there were any, it probably irritated StarClan to no end. After all, they seemed to stick to strict dark-evil and bright-good motifs like honey.

If so, that probably meant I irritated them to no end, too. When I was born they all probably thought, _Ah, here's a definite good little ThunderClanner. I'm sure she'll be sweet and kind and nice. _

Well, I was definitely on that track until a few days ago – who'd have ever thought _kits_ would be the blame? Play-fights obviously did more damage than they seemed to.

I then escaped the depths of my mind for a moment, long enough to notice that I was still alone in The Place of No Stars. I couldn't even glimpse a sign of any cat – no scent, no trampled grass, no shadows; nothing.

"All right, Tigerstar, what are you playing at?"

A whisper of a voice flew into my ears. "I must admit, it was amusing at first to watch you realize that you were all alone and no one was with you."

I turned around, looked back, and then looked the other way. Tigerstar was sitting down on the grass in front of me, with perfect posture and a small smirk.

My eyes narrowed. Being dead and in an afterlife for the evil did not give the cat a license to appear out of nowhere. "How did you do that?" I demanded.

Tigerstar licked a paw and ran it over his fur. "I've been here for moons. It was enough time to suffice some – exploring, if you could call it that."

I decided I didn't really want to know. Though its inhabitants may not have been that bad, The Place of No Stars itself, was, at heart, a forest that oozed something mysterious, something shadowy and slippery, and gave you the sense that here was something truly dangerous, though it wouldn't always seem so. You needed a different sort of bravery here.

"But I know you're not here to hear me discuss my little tricks," Tigerstar hissed, as his tail brushed the ground and unearthed a feather light layer of dust. He smiled, giving me a clever, thoughtful look. "How goes it with" -Tigerstar laughed, then smirked- "StarClan?"

I groaned, then glared at him. "Do you _like_ watching me get annoyed and desperate?"

He stretched and flicked his tail. "There is not much to do here, so I have to content myself with

persuading apprentices like you to follow in my footsteps." His amber eyes flashed with mirth. "After all, even 'evil' cats need company."

I snorted. "I thought it was next to impossible to find others here. And you already have others. Brokenstar, for one..."

The amber eyes switched from mirth to a withering look of slight contempt. "Do you know how long I've been here? I have talked to every cat here long ago, and the...setting here can stifle conversation well."

"Fine. But, really. Tell me why I'm here."

"Why ask me? You are the one who wanted to come. I cannot control everything. I am a resident of The Place of No Stars, not StarClan."

Did StarClan control everything? Even I had to admit that was rather far-fetched...

"And," Tigerstar added, raising a paw, "there is something called will."

In the blur of the past few days, among StarClan and The Place of No Stars, I'd kind of forgotten about will. You tend not to think about will when experiencing massive life changes.

To make this all clear, I glowered at him. It was starting to become a staple in my responses to the cat.

Tigerstar cocked his ears and raised his eyes in what could be described as an inquiring expression, but from the gleam in those infamous amber eyes you could tell it was more amusement. That was one thing that tended to stay in his expression (and possibly the most irritating). "Becoming very prone to those glares, eh? I suppose you're going through" –the dark brown tabby grinned, amber eyes gleaming with a sort of perverted mirth (or at least in my opinion)– "that angsty, angry-at-the-world phase? Typically a hate for StarClan is also involved, and I know you've got that – though yours may not be as temporary."

I swallowed, narrowed my eyes, and...glared. There was nothing else to do, really.

Tigerstar's tail swished. "Yes, young she-cats and toms usually do lose the ability of normal speech." He shook his head in that supposedly kind, a bit pitying way, as those really, really, _really_ infuriating amber eyes twinkled. Twinkled. "See? There's no need to worry, because you're definitely not the only one."

I thought Tigerstar wasn't totally evil, but just ambitious, cunning, clever, and a bit too reckless.

I was wrong. He was totally evil. Evil to the core.

"I can see," I growled, "why you were sent to The Place of No Stars."

Tigerstar snorted. "Yes, StarClan relates very well with those angsty, depressed young cats. Actually, that sounds pretty likely, now that I think about it..."

I groaned. "I did _not_ come here so that you could tell me about the angry-at-the-world phase some young cats go through. I came here for..." I trailed off, realizing I wasn't sure. Of course, Tigerstar would use that to his full advantage.

"You don't even know. So I might as well teach you about that rather unfortunate phase." Tigerstar began to give on of his smug smirks, but then stopped mid-smirk as his amber eyes narrowed and his his claws unsheathed in one subtle movement.

"What is it?" I asked, as the permanent night sky of The Place of No Stars shifted, becoming just the tiniest bit bright. Frowning, I squinted up at the sky, noting it was now a blue close to dark blue, instead of the usual black or shades of dark blue. It made the moon stand out less against the sky, making it lose some of its brilliant luster.

"Why's the sky doing that?" I whispered, feeling the urge to back away. Though I usually thought of the night sky as depressing, it just seemed too odd and unnatural for it to ever get anywhere close to the sky during daytime.

Tigerstar was staring at the sky too, his head craning up as far as it could possibly get. "StarClan," he murmured in what seemed to be a...wistful tone, as just a trace of a sneer wrinkled his nose. "Wherever they go in the world of skies, it gets lighter. If I went somewhere else, it would get darker."

I gaped at him, though not sure for what reason. "You mean that a StarClanner came here? To The Place of No Stars?"

Tigerstar was still staring up at the sky, his normally hard, cynical amber eyes focused straight up. "It's only happened once before while I was here," he mewed. "Not that long ago, actually."

I nodded, staying silent. He continued gazing up at the sky. My fur started to feel a little warmer. Was...sun coming out?

"You don't know what it's like," he hissed, without turning to look at me, "to stay here for eternity, never again seeing a pale blue sky or feeling the warmth of the sun's rays on your fur, to have to stay among the dancing shadows and secretive black sky you once prized so much. Sometimes you become hypocritical in a place like this..."

I stared at him. I sniffed the air, just to make sure it was the familiar scent of Tigerstar. "You're not...wishing you're a _StarClanner_, are you?" I mewed, blue eyes widening and mouth dry.

This broke his gaze. The dark brown tabby whipped around, amber eyes flashing with rage. "Of course not!" he snarled, long, hooked claws digging into the withered grass. "Why would I want to be with those pieces of kittypet-brained foxdung? They lie, they manipulate, they close their minds, they act like they're acting for the good of the Clans, they...they...as far as I'm concerned, those StarClanners are nothing more than idiotic halfClans worth even less than a couple of mousetails!" he pawed the ground, slicing off some grass from the dusty ground in the process. "I thought you were clever – sensible – intelligent..." He began to pace around, but in a few moments he slowed, sniffed, glanced at the sky one more time, then growled, "I wouldn't be surprised if it was Bluestar or Spottedleaf. Bleeding-hearts, they are."

I stared. Again. "Um. Tigerstar...?"

He glanced at me. "Oh, yes. Icepaw, come on with me. We need to discuss some things while I search for this trespassing StarClanner."

"Uh–"

He swished his tail and cast an annoyed look at me. "Are you coming or not?"

I padded a bit quickly up to him. "Yes, yes I am, Tigerstar."

He began to walk. "Good."

Though I wasn't expecting to see much variation besides the withered plants, dark, gnarled trees, and darkness and shadows everywhere, I still looked around as I followed Tigerstar, as I hadn't really ever seen much besides where I was sitting and talking to the cat. He seemed to be an expert on his way around, and sidestepped every prickly burr and fallen tree branch or twig. Of course, I had no such luck and had rely on my eyes. After all, I wasn't an "evil" cat who had lived in The Place of No Stars for moons.

...Yet.

"But why is a StarClanner here?" I mewed out of the blue after getting a thorn lodged in a particularly irritating place in my fur. I wrinkled my nose and flinched; it didn't help.

Tigerstar rolled his eyes and gave me a cuff on the ears with his tail. "Why do you think?" he replied, stepping over a bug, which I then squashed. "You."

I sighed; I should have guessed. After all, I'd talked with both Bluestar and Spottedleaf, too. "Of course," I muttered. "But aren't they sensible? Both Bluestar and Spottedleaf have attempted me to give up my beliefs and become the typical good little ThunderClanner, and both times it failed. You think they would have realized by now that they can't persuade me to go on their side."

Tigerstar shrugged, saying, "StarClan can be very persistent...however, there is a fine line between that being a positive or negative trait. In this case" –Tigerstar sniffed in his usual disdainful way– "I feel it is a negative trait. But it can still be admirable at times."

Nodding, I managed to get a small twig picked out of my leg, and gave my leg a few licks. A few moments later, the twig was replaced with another twig.

Tigerstar glanced back at me. "Are you usually this clumsy?"

After tugging at a thorn with my teeth, I muttered, "No. The Place of No Stars just has it in for me. Wait, can places even be sentient? Or have likes and dislikes?"

The tabby just looked at me. "With some places, I'd advise you not to ask."

Wincing, I murmured, "_Right_...Advice taken."

Smiling, Tigerstar revealed a set of sharp white teeth. "In places like this, it's best to be armed with advice."

I felt like saying that I got the message and he didn't need to give clues that _yes, The Place of No Stars is a dangerous place_, in ever sentence he purred. Then a ripple of fear passed down my spine. You needed a lot of practice in tone and manipulation to get a cat to continue feeling frightened and haunted from the same thing over and over again in one day (or night, I suppose). A different sort of manipulation than StarClan's...

Was Tigerstar willing to teach his... art? (If you could call it that.) Somehow, I didn't picture him passing around the word, giving advertisements, and having a host of kits and young apprentices at his feet begging for his every last word.

But still.

"If any tiny bit inside of you isn't clumsy, use that to your best ability," Tigerstar growled abruptly, not even bothering to turn around. "I smell StarClan scent."

Curious, I stretched my head and sniffed the air. A strong scent that I somehow hadn't caught before now filled my nose. It smelled of starlight, if that was possible, and fresh night and breezes. It was the kind of scent which made you want to keep on smelling it forever and ever, deep breath after deep breath. It felt so intoxicating it even scared me a little. StarClan could make weak-willed living cats their slaves with this...

Then that thought zoomed away, replaced with one wondering if the cats of The Place of No Stars smelled of shadows and storms and midnight and stink. It wasn't too implausible, actually. Pretty sad, I mused.

The sound of stumbling into undergrowth dashed into my ears, interrupting my thoughts. The smell of starlight grew stronger, and I whipped around to where the starlight scent was strongest, angling my ears. Tigerstar, however, did not settle into a defensive stance. Instead, he stalked over to the nearest huddle of crippled-looking dark trees, peering into the shadows they made.

"The StarClan scent of starlight and night is strongest," the big tabby growled, long, curved claws at the ready, "but I can still recognize the scent of Nightstar underneath it. Come out, Nightstar, it's no use trying to be stealthy in The Place of No Stars."

A scrawny black tom emerged from behind the tree trunks; I recognized him as the cat that had been apparently trying to convince Murkpaw to abandon his beliefs.

"How very nice to see you, Nightstar," Tigerstar meowed conversationally. "I do think the last time we met was when you died from the sickness the rat infected prey gave you. Very sad times, those."

Nightstar's yellow eyes narrowed. "Don't try to get me eased, Tigerstar," he hissed. "I'm here for StarClan, not to talk about my dying moments. I know what you're playing at – just hand over Icepaw, and we'll have no more to do with you."

As if he hadn't heard what Nightstar had just said, Tigerstar added, "You always seemed like such a nice ShadowClan cat...shame that the moment you became a StarClanner you got all manipulative and controlling of the Clan you once lived in. What happened to what you believed in back when you were alive and your scent wasn't starlight?"

"Stop playing around, Tigerstar; I mean it. Just give me Icepaw."

"I'm not an object, you know," I interjected, glaring at the former ShadowClanner.

Nightstar glanced at me, an amused expression on his face. "In many circumstances, it's best to talk with the one who currently has the most power, whether in muscle or intelligence."

"I'll go on a limb here and assume that _just might_ have been a veiled insult," I responded, putting a lot of inflection on a few of the words to make my sarcasm seem obvious. The best way to respond with a veiled insult? Another veiled insult.

...Who said I ever cared about "don't fight fire with fire"?

However, the StarClanner didn't say something heated in response. Instead, he narrowed his eyes and spat, "I am not Spottedleaf, Icepaw. Just a StarClanner."

I had once thought evil cats were just evil – I had now thought myself enlightened for knowing better. Augh...I beat myself on the head in my mind. I had just replaced that with another stereotype – all StarClanners are Bluestar and Spottedleaf-esque, and manipulative cats who just liked to control. So...was it possible some weren't? Nightstar had just basically sauntered up to me and shouted, "Cut your StarClan stereotypes!" in my face. There now seemed to be shades of gray popping up everywhere; not only in The Place of No Stars, but in a totally unprecedented place – StarClan.

Of course, Nightstar noticed my silence. "Exactly," he mewed softly. "Just because some of us may not be to your liking, doesn't mean you should turn to a cat like Tigerstar automatically. Tigerstar may seem nice, but so many cats do – and not all of them are..."

Jaw clenched, I looked at Tigerstar with nervous, slightly suspicious blue eyes, muscles taut. The infamous amber eyes stared back at me, stern and solemn with just a hint of grimness, added to the fact that if one glanced down, they could see the glint of long, curved claws.

His tail twitched. I flinched. Somehow, I had gotten stuck in the middle – I didn't support Nightstar, but I didn't support Tigerstar either. I couldn't trust either – so who could I trust?

I was talking general here. Tigerstar or Nightstar. The Place of No Stars or StarClan. Not Murkpaw. And besides, I had no idea where he was standing either, considering he'd already talked to Nightstar (who didn't seem to be half as bad as Bluestar and Spottedleaf) and appeared to agree with my beliefs even after that.

Tigerstar-esque beliefs that didn't agree with StarClan.

Was this the time I was supposed to run off into The Place of No Stars and ignore them both? Or was this the time I was supposed to reject Nightstar and thus, my last chance to become good and embrace StarClan? Or was this the time I was supposed to turn away from Tigerstar and save myself by becoming good and letting Tigerstar stay hated while I bowed down to StarClan?

I doubted there was a right answer. So, I decided to go with one not in the choices provided: pretended to be on Tigerstar's side again and give way to my suspicions about Nightstar.

"How do I know you're not lying? Or maybe you're just one of the few StarClanners that's unlike Bluestar and Spottedleaf; for all I know, _they_ could be the norm, and not you. Any proof? Any more information? Any more 'truths'?" I spat all this out and stared at him, eyes narrowed, breathing ragged.

I expected sputtering, surprise, gasping, inability to answer, fake disdain and scorn, pretending that such questions didn't need to be answered. After all, that's what I'd been getting from the previous StarClanners.

"Well, what do you think?" Nightstar responded smoothly, barely a moment after me. "You can side with Tigerstar, who, according to your views, may or may not be evil, or you can side with me and StarClan, who, according to your views, may or may not be controlling and manipulative." He smiled crookedly and yellow eyes gazed at me. "Pick your poison."

I couldn't resist a grin. "Clever, I admit. But it's not about cleverness, not in this situation."

"Of course not. Wise StarClanners like me know that." Nightstar's mouth curved into another smile, showing sharp teeth – just as the moon illuminated his smile, the light striking it making it seem stark white against the shadow of The Place of No Stars. Coincidence, that the moon should remind me of the danger Nightstar still posed, just as he spoke about being a wise StarClanner?

Fate, how did Tigerstar _survive_ in this place? The Place of No Stars...it was definitely that. Names gave insight, lots of insight.

I stiffened. "A wise StarClanner with teeth," I murmured. If Nightstar listened closely, it was a murmur layered with growly undertones, which in turn hid just a hint of apprehension...

He didn't seem to notice. "Of course," Nightstar purred.

Tigerstar, who seemed to have settled and watched us fight verbally, smirked and hissed, "Every cat has teeth, even if you don't see them at first."

And here I was hoping Spottedleaf didn't know how to use her fangs. Still, good advice. I decided I'd keep it in mind.

The verbal fight seemed to turn, as I fell from a minor wound and Tigerstar took my place as Nightstar's opponent. "Now, Nightstar," he meowed, "really, why are you here? Bluestar and Spottedleaf aren't the leaders of StarClan, nor is all of StarClan concerned only with Icepaw."

Then what else was StarClan concerned with? The next prophecy? After all, the last one had been sent out a whole few moments ago! Really, what kind of lives (for lack of a better word, as existence seemed a bit too synonymous) did the StarClanners lead? Looking down below on the Clans and talking to each other?

"Now, Tigerstar, I'm just a mere StarClanner who died of prey poisoning, despite being a 'leader' – after all, I never really got the lives. I may as well just be the old elder that died of natural causes. The pivotal StarClanners always have an intent, but they don't always tell."

"Good excuse, Nightstar, I'll give you that." Tigerstar's amber eyes glimmered, whiskers twitching.

"Thought so myself," Nightstar responded in a nonchalant tone. "Now, if you excuse me, I need to get back to my job."

As the subject had now turned back to me, I interrupted the two cats. "Why are you so comfortable with each other? I thought StarClanner hated those of The Place of No Stars, and vice versa. I thought you both had different goals, and would go against the other to accomplish them! What happened to being enemies because one was good and one was bad?"

Nightstar snorted in amusement. "Shades of gray, Icepaw, shades of gray. Everything is different when you're dead."

"Not to mention Nightstar was a ShadowClanner," Tigerstar added, tail swishing and flicking a few specks of dust. "They tend to be raised just the tiniest, subtlest bit differently from the other three Clans, especially since they tend to get pegged as the evil Clan."

"Oh yeah?" I growled, tail straight up in the air. "How do I know you haven't switched sides and made a deal with StarClan, because you realized how wrong you had been alive? How do I know you and Nightstar are really conspiring to take me to StarClan so they can try to stop me? How do–"

"Icepaw–" Tigerstar tried to interrupt me, eyes narrowed in what was a mix of confusion and annoyance.

I didn't care how stupid my theories sounded, or how paranoid and crazy I sounded. "How do I know this wasn't just a plot to get me from the start? How do I know all of this isn't fake and that I'm just going crazy." I began to dig my claws into the ground, digging them deeper and deeper as I leaned forward and panted, blue eyes gleaming with anger and slight – very slight, I remind you – paranoia. My tail waved around. "I don't trust you – I don't trust StarClan – I don't trust The Place of No Stars – I don't trust any cat! The only one I can trust in is myself, and now I'm not even so sure about that!"

Starting to twitch a bit, I noticed the slightly amused, slightly freaked out expression of Nightstar, Tigerstar's always all-knowing and annoyed face, complete with narrowed amber eyes, and the way they were both looking at me that told me I probably looked slightly pathetic and insane. "Maybe I should just abandon all this," I snarled, pawing the ground and unleashing packs of cold, dry dirt-grass mixes. "Maybe I should just pretend to be ignorant again, the only goal in my blissful world to be the best ThunderClan warrior ever. After all, it would benefit me more than doing _this._"

My tail started to droop as my breathing became ragged and in short puffs. I had said all I had to say, and I glared at both the scrawny black tom and the big, muscled tabby. "Well?" I demanded, leaning forward on stiffened haunches.

"The paranoid, self-doubting phase," Tigerstar meowed, half-smiling in that unbearably smug way. "I remember that time. It's typical for most of the cats that have ended up here in The Place of No Stars. Even great plans can be put in doubt."

Rolling my eyes, I retorted, "And who's to say that's truth? After all, you're a very good liar – most cats that end up here have to be to get as far as they do." I studied his expression and slowly sheathed my claws. I didn't trust him. I didn't trust Nightstar either. I didn't think I'd be in the mood to trust anyone for a while.

"Thanks, Tigerstar, but no thanks. I can't trust either of you two cats right now, even if one's a StarClanner and another resides in The Place of No Stars." Turning my gaze to Nightstar, I mewed, "Go tell your StarClan leaders there's still some 'hope' for me yet, if that pleases you. I need some time to talk with the one cat I might still trust. And as I stated before, neither of you are currently that one cat."

I smirked, but it wasn't very smug. It was the kind of smirk you give when you're just the tiniest bit scared and you're feeling suspicious of everyone around you, like every cat has some poison concealed inside them. The classic paranoid smile. Turning around, I hissed, "Until next time, Tigerstar, Nightstar."

And closing my eyes, really closing them, I vanished from The Place of No Stars.

**The ending is, in my opinion, very contrived. But it was real struggle to end this chapter; I have no idea why. There're only – and I'm almost for sure here – two chapters left in this fic, mainly because of the Nightstar-StarClan component and because of Murkpaw not appearing in this chapter **

**Constructive criticism appreciated.**


	6. Decisions, Decisions

'm pretty sure this is the second to last chapter. Sorry for procrastinating. As usual. This chapter is shorter than the last, that I know for sure.

_Chapter 6_

Paranoia. Such a lovely, lovely feeling, if you think suspecting and mistrusting everyone, whether you have evidence to do so or not, is lovely. I don't, personally, but to each his own, I guess.

Well, as I've been finding out, like everything else in the world, paranoia also has its own shades of gray. That is, it's not completely bad. It has its uses, I must admit. Besides the suspicion and mistrust of everyone and everything, it's very exhilarating – sometimes, it makes you feel like you can do anything – and, if you were, say, investigating some kind of mystery, paranoia makes you turn to different solutions which you would never think of in a normal state of mind.

Not that I'm investigating a mystery or anything, but you never know.

But paranoia's mostly bad. It doesn't feel very nice to even shiver or narrow your eyes because you're not very comfortable with the ground you're walking on, or to keep looking over your shoulder ever few moments to make sure no one's watching or following you. It's not the greatest of feelings to always have the fur on the back of your neck prickle with nervousness or the awareness of what you think is a cat watching your every move.

But I don't really feel like talking about this new feeling which strikes me as overtaking my mind. No, I need to go and find Murkpaw. Through dreams? Perhaps, since it's still nighttime, and I should still be sleeping. The other alternatives stand at communicating during a Gathering (and who knows when we'll be at the same Gathering again?) and meeting at night, which we would have to arrange (during, what do you know, a Gathering!), and what's been used by every cat in the history of the Clans.

Dreams. I could try it through a dream.

Yeah, some StarClanner will probably be tracking me down, but oh, well. I have no time for that.

Now – time to talk to Murkpaw. I just hope I won't have another fit of paranoia with him, too...

--

I was in my Tranquil Dreamland, endlessly sniffing the air for his scent and looking for any other signs of him – a couple pawprints, the smell of blood in the air from a prey that had been killed, anything. I felt as if I had searched and explored my dreamland all over.

How could I find him? It wasn't like I could step into other cats' dreams and find the individual dream of each cat, then step into Murkpaw's. I sat on the soft green grass, softer than any grass in the real world, and sighed, staring up at the beautiful, cloud-dotted, blue sky. I knew the StarClanners probably knew how and were laughing at me right now, happy I couldn't find out. I wouldn't have been surprised if Tigerstar knew, too, but StarClan were the ones who knew more about dreams.

Wait – many cats would complain about having to wake up when they were just about to pounce on a piece of prey or were sunning themselves. These were all Tranquil Dreamlands.

What if the dreamlands weren't separate? What if they were _all the same dreamland? _The Tranquil Dreamland was so general it was possible that it was all the same giant place; other dreams, the odd ones that were kind of like remnants of what you'd been thinking about during the daytime or the ones medicine cats and leaders got from StarClan were more personal and the separate ones which no one could enter into if they tried.

Perhaps if I concentrated on everything Murkpaw – scent, appearance, personality – I could find the part of the Tranquil Dreamland that was his. I assumed he was probably dreaming in it, considering his mind would want rest from what I'd dragged him into and naturally take him to the most peaceful place possible.

Deciding to ignore the part of my mind that was saying, "This is impossible! How can you come up with a stupid idea like that that will definitely never work!"

Instead, I turned to the more outlandish, imaginative part of my mind – wait. Imaginative. Dreams; they were made up from imagination, right, and everything was possible in dreams, right? So, if I walked in my dreams and _imagined_ that the Tranquil Dreamland was all connected and one for all Clan cats, then it _might_ be true, right? And if I didn't...then it would just be my Tranquil Dreamland, nothing more.

So, to get to Murkpaw's Tranquil Dreamland – which was really mine, as it was all cats' – I would have to concentrate on everything _him_ and imagine and believe that all the Tranquil Dreamlands were true, since anything could be true in dreams.

Taking a deep breath and getting on to my paws, I set off, nothing in my mind but _Murkpaw_, and belief that the Dreamlands were all one, so I could get there.

I smelled nothing with my nose except for Murkpaw's pungent ShadowClan scent, which also contained the piney scent of the trees in his territory, the damp, dark earth that clung to the pads of his paws, and the part of the scent that was just _him,_ completely Murkpaw, a kind of unique piney-damp-pungent scent that combined to make it wholly him.

I saw nothing, even with my eyes open, except for Murkpaw: his small, wiry frame; his short, very dark brown fur that stuck out at the ends and never really seemed to be completely night; the tabby stripes barely showing at all, it was so dark; his tail that was a bit longer than normal, usually perfectly still and straight up. I saw his pale, dull pink ears, the fur there short and scruffy; his claws, dark and sharp and probably the only part of his body he cared for and about. I saw his green eyes, darker than most cats', very piercing when they could be but usually waved away as dull. I saw his pale pink nose, dotted with specks of dirt, and his short whiskers, looking as if he'd just accidentally sliced a third of them off.

If I looked down at the ground, I saw Murkpaw's paw prints, light on the ground, his scent lingering in the air. I imagined him, right there in front of me, his face in its usual thoughtful expression as he responded to me, green eyes narrowed. Only his voice and his words echoed in my mind as I walked along, blue eyes squinted in concentration. I thought, I saw, I smelled, I _breathed_ Murkpaw. I walked and walked and walked, the only thing occupying every part of my body Murkpaw, Murkpaw, Murkpaw.

And as I walked, the ground felt a bit damper under my paws, squishing into it a bit more, and darker; the overall smell of the Tranquil Dreamland started to become just a bit more sharp and pungent.

I walked and walked, and finally my legs began to weaken and bend, my paws feeling like they would fall off. Sitting down, I panted and let go of my concentration, no longer thinking or seeing Murkpaw or smelling hi–

No. His scent. I smelled his scent. I raised my nose to the air and took a deep breath; Murkpaw's sharp, piney scent filled my nostrils, and I had no doubt it was him. I had stepped into the Tranquil Dreamland of Murkpaw, and smiled, a wave of pride in my chest. I had done it! His seemed a bit far off, though, perhaps behind the small hill several fox-lengths away, and I set off again, knowing it was pointless to stop and rest when Murkpaw was so close. Keeping my nose raised to the air, I got up again and padded off, following his scent.

As I took another few steps, the fur on my neck prickled, paws tingling; something was behind me. Just as I was about to turn around, I was tackled onto the ground, the breath nearly knocked out of me. Though I was pinned to the ground, the dark brown paws of the cat who had tackled me were sheathed, but felt as if they were ready to unsheathe and pierce my skin any moment.

"Get _off_ me, Murkpaw!" I mewed, my breathing labored; the positioning of his paws made it difficult to get the words out of my mouth.

"Who are you and how have you stumbled into the world of my dreams?" he growled, his hot breath washing over my face.

"Well," I said, my voice choked, "usually you can have weird dreams where you meet cats that aren't real—"

"Not in the type where all you do is laze around," he hissed. "Besides, that's too normal these days. I bet you're a StarClanner, trying to get me on your side."

Yeah, me. A StarClanner trying to get Murkpaw on my side. I decided to cut to the chase and snarled, "It's me, you mousebrain! Icepaw!"

"Lots of cats," he said, "are white-furred and blue-eyed. Lots of cats died as apprentices."

I rolled my eyes in frustration. Murkpaw must have gone paranoid too.

"Yes," I said, "but most StarClanners don't still smell like ThunderClan. Do I smell like starlight to you, Murkpaw?"

His nose twitched, and his fierce expression softened, turning into a sheepish one. "Er. Yeah, you don't. Sorry." His hold on me began to lighten, and as I lifted my head, his guilty face suddenly turned back to one of suspicion, green eyes narrowed and teeth just slightly bared. His paws went down harder again, and he spat, "How did you get here? Not any normal cat can enter another's dreams. You could be a StarClanner assuming Icepaw's form."

I rolled my eyes again, saying, "Can't you please just get off me? Even if I _am_ a StarClanner, which I most definitely am not, I wouldn't try to attack you, would I? You know how StarClanners feel about that sort of thing."

Casting me one last suspicious look, he meowed, "Fine," and slowly released his hold on me. Getting up onto my feet and then sitting down on my haunches, I licked a paw and slid it on my fur.

I fidgeted a bit as I began to speak, Murkpaw's dark green eyes boring into me very unnerving. Explaining how I knew we needed to talk, and not at night or whenever we both happened to be at a Gathering, I told him about my theory about the Tranquil Dreamland that seemed to be correct, and how this meant I could travel to the world of his dreams, though only the ones in the Tranquil Dreamland.

When I was done, he blinked. "I...guess I'll have to believe you. But I don't trust it. It's like what StarClanners do, except they naturally have that power. But it is better than waiting for a Gathering we're both at, or meeting at night where we could easily be found out."

I nodded, and we both settled into an awkward silence, as always. After a few moments, Murkpaw dug his claws into the dirt, and said, "So. Why did you come?"

Hesitating, I recounted my experience in my dream I had just had. "And...I just feel so _paranoid_," I said after telling him what had happened. "I feel like everything I'm feeling is contradicting itself, and I'm desperate, and I can't believe all this stuff that's happening in such a short time. I don't know who to trust, what to do, what to decide..."

Murkpaw listened patiently through all this, sometimes narrowing his eyes, twitching his whiskers, expression changing.

"You've lost sight of your original goal," he said finally. "This used to be about how Tigerstar's 'evil' ideas weren't really evil, and that they were good. We were thinking about actually going through with what he never did. Now—now it's just about you. About how you're not sure what side is the one to be on, what to do, if you should go back on StarClan's side, and so on and on. You've forgotten about what originally prompted StarClan to talk to you, and what originally prompted Tigerstar to get you to come to The Place of No Stars."

Murkpaw was right. I had forgotten all about that, I realized. Now all my thoughts were centered around which side to be on, who to trust, just so I could get a normal life back. But—did I want to think about carrying out Tigerstar's ideas now? I wasn't even sure if I could trust him anymore, let alone do what he wanted to do when he was alive and failed at.

"Well—yeah," I said, sighing. "But you know I'm not even sure I can trust Tigerstar anymore. What if StarClan's right, and having one Clan is just an awful idea that shouldn't be tried out? They've lived for a long time; they've probably seen it attempted before and know enough that it shouldn't be done."

"Yes," Murkpaw mewed, "but all the StarClanners we've met are the ones who've died recently. If it's happened before, don't you think StarClanners — those that were alive when that may have been attempted — would have come to convince us not to trust those in the Place of No Stars instead? I doubt StarClan, as annoying and biased as they are, would ignore reasonable logic like that."

I sighed again. This was what I hated—each side had reasonable points that made perfect sense. It was like both sides were the same exact shade of gray, just populated by different cats and different ideas.

Black and white had never seemed like such nice colors and ideas.

Gray, on the other hand...

"The question," Murkpaw mewed, "is if you still want that to happen. Do you still care? Does it still matter? Or has this just turned in a quest to find out what you believe in?"

I swallowed.

"I...I don't know," I whispered. "I don't know."

Murkpaw looked at me for a few moments, green eyes gleaming in what seemed to be a solemn way. "ShadowClan and RiverClan had a huge battle yesterday," he said suddenly. "Nearly every cat on both sides was injured in some way or another." He paused, staring down at the ground as if that would destroy it. "Some cats died."

My blue eyes widened, and I leaned forward, studying Murkpaw's appearance. Now that I looked closely, I could see a small, new scar on his nose, a few scratches on one ear, and shorter whiskers, probably sliced off by a pair of claws delivering a blow. He didn't fidget under my inspecting gaze; his expression just turned grimmer. "I had to leave early on to get reinforcements," he hissed, "so I didn't get any bad injuries."

"But—what was the battle about? Why did it happen?"

"Prey. Territory. I'm—I'm not even completely sure." He swallowed, taking a deep breath. "We had a battle, cats got bad injuries and a few even _died,_ and I'm not even sure why it occurred."

I didn't say anything, just tightened my jaw.

"I don't know if you believe in continuing what Tigerstar attempted," Murkpaw said, eyes narrowed, "but I sure do. Stuff like this shouldn't happen. What reason did we have to fight? Prey that could be shared? Territories that are meaningless? I don't think so. One Clan would mean no meaningless battles over prey and borders—no forbidden love—no need for Gatherings that all too often are resulting in clouds over the moon. How about you, Icepaw? How about you?"

He was right. How about me?

_How about me?_

Battles could rage and cats could die while I would be trying to make a decision.

Who cared if it was Tigerstar's idea? Who cared about the wisdom of one StarClanner who was different from Bluestar and Spottedleaf? Who cared if Tigerstar couldn't be trusted?

Did I? As always, certainty was just within my reach, but still too far.

It was the idea that mattered, not its maker. How many unneeded battle would cats die for, how many bad ideas and things to be saved that weren't?

StarClan, the Place of No Stars — it didn't matter what side I was on as long as I _did_ something. And right now, nothing was being done except worrying about who to please, who to trust, who to side with.

_The idea was all that mattered._

Maybe I'd trust and talk to Tigerstar again; maybe Nightstar. But for now, I was flying solo, and off to succeed in what needed to be succeeded in, off to fulfill what needed to be fulfilled. I was off to carry out this idea, succeed, or die trying.

As for being loyal, absolutely loyal to ThunderClan...did that matter now? I was loyal, absolutely loyal to something different, more important, and that was good enough for me.

Murkpaw gazed at me, green eyes flashing. "Well?" he asked.

I gave him a smirk back. "I'm in."

_(And as one ThunderClan apprentice made her decision, the ears of both cats in shadowy starless forests and star-filled bright skies pricked and cats leaned forward, seeing what would happen next.)_

--

Okay. I lie. This was the last chapter. I mean it. Epilogue is the next chapter, and after that this fic will be titled complete.

Okay, I want the epilogue to have no author's notes in it, so, something to know:

Nearly all along, Loyal, Absolutely Loyal was a satire; or rather, a parody. No, not those supposedly random and funny parodies where the summaries are, "Firestar is addicted to playing the tuba? Ashfur is selling mice at three dollars a pound? Squirrelflight is making her own marching band? ThunderClan has gone crazy, and so have the other Clans! What is going on here?" I mean that this fic satirized many aspects of Warriors, though it is largely a serious fic.

The epilogue will be up probably a few minutes after this is posted.


	7. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

--

Of course it's a dark and stormy night,

How else could it be on a night like this?

All dark, but the moon and stars be my light,

While a breeze gives me a cold, somber kiss.

Something will happen, but when I don't know;

Fate just adores keeping me in suspense

Though it may shine, my "light" gives me no glow,

And taut, I stand still as my muscles tense.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't done what I'd done,

Hadn't always questioned, been curious;

Now here I am on the dark side of the sun

For I made _Them_ a bit too furious.

But I did it, and now it's just too late;

Oh well; I will proudly await my fate.

--

_Fin_


End file.
